If you were worried that foreign tourists might be deterred from visiting our fair city after the 7 July bombings, you only knew the half of it. It turns out even some Londoners are too frightened to come to London.

Visit London is encouraging Londoners to come into the centre and spend money. Keep spending, folks! Dig deep for victory! The centre section of the A to Z is our roadmap to peace! Remember - poor takings for We Will Rock You make Osama smile! Low attendance at the London Zoo llama enclosure means The Terrorists Have Won!

More seriously, Visit London does claim that unless Londoners take up a bit of the slack left after the surrender-monkeys of the rest of the country and the world stayed away in droves (4% of them, or about 100,000), 10,000 jobs could be at risk. These jobs are in the catering and retail trades, and as 97.3%* of those employed in those areas are out-of-work actors, if we don't start spending money and the city doesn't get blown up, the nation might face an epidemic of unexploded mimes. And that can't be allowed to happen.

Here's an idea to encourage Londoners to get about and about that Visit London can have for free. They could ask the government to stop scaring the bejabbers out of us with dire predictions of further attacks and unending war. Just a thought.

* Data supplied by Londonist's imagination.